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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27623354">Just pawns</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lu_ooking_4_myself/pseuds/Lu_ooking_4_myself'>Lu_ooking_4_myself</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Queen's Gambit (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Complicated Relationships, Drug Addiction, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 16:35:26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,882</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27623354</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lu_ooking_4_myself/pseuds/Lu_ooking_4_myself</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>"What if I say 'okay, go ahead, get drunk'? Would you come then?"<br/>She was ready to refuse, to tell him that she was too lost to do anything, but then she thought about when she tried to steal the drug's jar. She was out of control and alone. Maybe being out of control but with somebody by your side could have been better.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Beth Harmon/Benny Watts</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>172</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Think</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"I'm going back to Lexington... I need to be alone."<br/>
She didn't even know if she really wanted it, but it seemed the easiest way to forget.<br/>
"That is the opposite of what you need. Beth, please, come to New York. We can talk it out"<br/>
She didn't want to talk it out. She wanted to scream, and to cry, and to drink, but the last thing she was going to want was talk about how she lost the game with Benny after have been practicing with him for five weeks.<br/>
"Beth?"<br/>
"Thank you, Benny. For everything"<br/>
She watched the airport, looking for the path that leaded to her flight<br/>
"You shouldn't be alone. You know what happens."<br/>
"Maybe is what I want" she was exhausted.<br/>
"What to get drunk?" the way he said that word to her was just too much.<br/>
"Yeah, good and drunk. Fucking bombed. And maybe high too, why not?" she wanted to piss him off, to make him run away from her self-disctructive plan<br/>
"You wouldn't if you were with me"<br/>
That's the whole point, she wanted to say<br/>
"I know"<br/>
"what if I say 'okay, go ahead, get drunk'? Would you come then?"<br/>
She was ready to refuse, to tell him that she was too lost to do anything, but then she thought about when she tried to steal the drug's jar. She was out of control and alone. Maybe being out of control but with somebody by your side could have been better.</p><p>"Okay, fine, I'm coming to New York, but I'm warning you: I won't let you watch me while I touch the bottom. I don't want your pity. And I want your forgiveness even less."<br/>
She heard him let out a long breath.<br/>
"At what time are you landing?"<br/>
"Around 7p.m."<br/>
"I'll be there" and after an empty silence he hanged up.<br/>
She went to the ticket office and she changed her destination. When she got on the plane, she lay her head on the cold glass of the window, watching the city becoming smaller and smaller, until she fell asleep.<br/>
She dreamt about Mr. Shaibel and his disappointment, about the thousands of green pills on the floor, about the ceiling of the orphanage. And, while she slept, bitter tears fell down her pale chicks.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Move</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>She woke up when there was only one hour left. The sky was grey and nuanced by clouds.<br/>
She sat composedly and fixed the hair that had taken the shape of the seat.<br/>
The flight hostess passed by and asked her if she wanted anything “one Gibson, please”, she perfectly knew that she was going to start over that custom of hers.</p><p>She was staring at the seat in front of hers, trying to put aside the tiredness of jet-lag and understand better what she was going through.<br/>
She lost the game, that was obvious.<br/>
She went to the tournament with all her good intentions, but when she was about to face Borgov, she lost even before the game started. “as in my life” she thought ironically.<br/>
She was completely lost.</p><p>What was she going to do now?<br/>
Her long-term plans was a wretched tournament in San Francisco and the fucking invitational in Moscow, where she was facing Borgov again. She shivered at the thought.</p><p>She spent the rest of the flight examining the game.<br/>
She was upset because this game went completely different from Mexico City’s one.<br/>
She did understand what happened then. She had been able to read the game as usual at least.<br/>
She was an inexperienced player, she didn’t even know the traditional tactics with which to play against the world champion, but she did understand how the things went bad.<br/>
In this one she didn't understand anything at all. She wasn’t even able to find the exact moment in which things started to go bad. She played that game over and over, until the landing.</p><p>She was the last on the plane and she was terrified. If Borgov’s glance made her feel naked, she couldn't imagine what was going to happen with Benny.<br/>
Benny Watts, ex US champion, the same person who has been her teacher for five weeks and the same person who kept her sober for five weeks.</p><p>“Jeez, you’re stuck” was his voice in her head.</p><p>It was the same with her game’s rook: she can’t stay still at the mercy of the opponent’s rook, but moving she would have left the space for the bishop to…<br/>
She didn’t know what. Screwing everything up? maybe.</p><p>Then she got off the plane.<br/>
Arriving at the airport’s door she couldn’t make up her mind whether to stay inside or to stay outside. She hoped that, staying inside, Benny would have been sufficiently disappointed to get back in his car, to start the engine and to go back to his apartment, leaving her there.<br/>
Then she understood that Benny wasn’t an evil person just like her and she opened the doors, getting overwhelmed by the cold air.</p><p>Her mind was too chaotically crowded and too dully empty at the same time to find something to say at his arrive, so she leaned against the wall and lit a cigarette.<br/>
She was freaking out and she knew that.<br/>
What was she supposed to tell him? She couldn't even think of a way to regain the complicity she had left in New York. There would not be enough convincing humor to make him forget how she had failed in Paris. Going back to Lexington would have been easier.</p><p>After 5 weeks with him, she had thrown away not only her sobriety, not just a game, but all the esteem he might have had for her.<br/>
There would be no songs on the journey to New York, there would be no smiles once inside the apartment, there would be no submerged kisses between the covers.</p><p>Suddenly she realized how much the only thing that could get her out of sustaining that silence worse than torture would be alcohol.<br/>
a bitter laugh choked in her throat at the thought that he'd given her permission to drink. That he did it just to drag her back to him didn't matter, he said so. And she would take advantage of this one point in her favor.</p><p>she stubbed out her cigarette and walked back into the airport, headed for the convenience store.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hi there. I hope you enjoyed the new chapter.<br/>I'm trying to post every Tuesdays. let me know if the chapters are too short.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Take</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>III CHAPTER<br/>
Benny had parked for a while and he was staring at the smoke getting out Beth Harmon’s mouth. He was able to see the frustration in her eyes by that distance.<br/>
He had both his hands on the steering wheel and was drumming with the fingers. In his mind everything was going too fast. Like in a fucking chess game he was desperatly looking for a way to checkmate her. He wanted something that could bring the determined and cooky Beth Harmon to him. </p><p>Then he saw her smile and turn off the cigarette coughing. She went back inside the airport and he thought she changed her mind, that not having seen him coming she ended up believing he didn’t care about her. </p><p>The truth was that he was paralized. Unable to move, to breath, to make a choice. He was studying the chessboard in what would have been a speed chess game.<br/>
He finally moved his glaze from those hell gates to his left. The empty seat was worse than every doubt he had about what to say.<br/>
there wasn’t an easy way to say both “I’m sorry for Paris, i’m here for you” and “Please Beth stop screwing everything up”.<br/>
He couldn’t say only the first part, because she was Beth fucking Harmon and she like to face emotion as much as he liked to face a Levenfish: He couldn’t say only the second part neither, because that would have take a mate to the trust she had for him in only one move.</p><p>He hadn’t the opportunity to find the solution to his problem, when he saw her open the door with a bottle of vodka in her grip. She was opening it and it was enough for Benny to go: he can’t let her get drunk before they had talked.</p><p>He got off the car, fixed the long coat on his shoulder and went to her. When their gaze met, there was a moment, one imperceptible moment, where he didn’t want to do anything but to kiss her and put aside all those thoughts that he had no clue how to say.<br/>
Then Beth ran to hug him, catching him aback.<br/>
He hugged her back and, when they splitted (Benny made sure he was far enough away from her) she said<br/>
“I know, i screwed up, but thinking about it is the last thing I want to do”<br/>
He limited himself to nod and then he frowned to the bottle she held.<br/>
“What about that?”: “You said that I could have drink and i’m not sure that you have got this kind of drink at your place”<br/>
Beth surely thought about her answer, because there was nothing he could do to answer back. He breathed out a light consens.</p><p>They eventually got to the car, loaded Beth’s suitcases and started the engine.<br/>
The journey was silent and he understood how difficult this was for her. “She see things the same way I do”<br/>
He told himself that he was an asshole since he brought that memory back to his thought: now he was imagining Beth singing next to him, now the teasing look while playing, now how he felt when she won the simultaneous.<br/>
Then they got to his place. He managed to pick up the keys to unlock the door, but  Beth was standing right there like a statue with no apparent reason.</p><p>When she went down the steps, a smile brightened her face. A river of memories overran her mind, memories of that little chessboard in the kitchen that was their and their only, memories about lascivious glances and grins of complicity, memories of him having monologues about principles and ideals of chess while she was lost in her thoughts.</p><p>That smile was warmer than the sun.</p><p>“Have you ever been in love?”<br/>
“Not with Benny”</p><p>Those words hit her deeply and the smile melted in an ugly grimace.<br/>
Paris. Cleo. Too many Pastis. Borgov.<br/>
Then she remembered the nights spent in Benny's bed: sex was amazing, but for him it was it. Just sex.<br/>
Beth clenched her fists until nearly hurming herself and a tear ran her face.</p><p>“Beth, i can’t open the door if you’re in front of it”</p><p>Luckily Benny couldn’t see her face now, so she stepped aside, making sure he could continue not seeing her.</p><p>The door was finally open. Anyway she was tired of being sad, she needed to shake off the gloom.<br/>
She asked sarcastically:<br/>
“Is there a bathroom?”<br/>
“Oh, yeah, it's just trough there” He smiled softly.<br/>
Then she found out the most heartwarming thing she could possibly think of: instead of the bunch of pillows on the floor, there was a couch. A dark blue freaking couch.<br/>
It was her turn to smile. She thought about don’t needing to sleep in the living room anymore, but it was a kind thing no matter what.</p><p>She sat down, leaving the suitcase on the floor and the bottle on the coffee table.<br/>
“This was absolutely missing”<br/>
There were 10 minutes in which each of them put their clothes in the wardrobe, obviously one at a time to avoid the danger of physical contact.<br/>
She went to the cupboards, took two little glasses, sat again, leaving an empty space for Benny, and opened the bottle.<br/>
“are you going to drink it all by yourself?”<br/>
“It depends. Are you going to help me finish it?”<br/>
“I won’t be a really big help. You know i’m not good at handle alcohol”<br/>
“C’mon Benny, let’s have fun. Tonight you don’t even need to keep me sober.”</p><p>Benny was doubtful, then he grinned and said<br/>
“Let’s make it fair and square then”<br/>
He took a chessboard from the closet and put it on the coffee table.<br/>
Beth liked the idea<br/>
“Every lost game is a shot. The first to get drunk loose.”<br/>
“Do not rush it. I will be completely drunk in four games like that. I won’t stand an hour.”<br/>
“Then I’ll have two shots every. Sounds better?” Benny wanted to disagree of course, she could read it by the way he tightened his jaw, but then he tilted his head”<br/>
“Let’s make it interesting: when a game is over, who won asks a truth, who lost ask a dare”<br/>
Beth knew this was going to end badly, but she wasn’t going to be the one to stand back.</p><p>The first game started. They were both distracted from the game though. Beth was too slow, more trying to predict his moves than play hers, Benny had more time, and, instead of studying what to do next, he prefered lose himself in her eyes.<br/>
Move. Clock.<br/>
Move. Take. Clock.<br/>
Think. Move. Take. Clock.<br/>
Move. Clock.<br/>
Move. Check. Clock.<br/>
Move. Take. Clock.<br/>
Mate.<br/>
Beth won the first game. She took Benny by surprise with her bishop, but, after all, she was back by a tournament, she had surely played more than him lately.<br/>
He ran a hand through his hair, while she poured the drink in the glass.<br/>
“Here you are” She said giving it to him<br/>
“Remember to me again why am I doing this”<br/>
“Because you are too confident and you still think that you’re able to beat my ass at chess”<br/>
“You’re evil. And I like it” He said with a smirk that made Beth shiver, then he swallowed the shot of vodka with a grumble.<br/>
“Go ahead, I’m an open book”<br/>
She wanted to take advantage of the first round, where he was still lucid, to get out of the way the most inconvenient question.<br/>
“Are you really mad at me?”<br/>
He sighed and, after a short silence, said “There's a need to answer?”<br/>
“You agreed with the rules”<br/>
“Yes Beth, of course I am. We spent together five weeks and you lost. Indeed I would have understood if you lost for a specific reason. But you were drunk, Beth. Five weeks to keep you sober and you threw it all away.”<br/>
“I didn’t mean to”<br/>
He was thinking about a dare, but the only thing he wanted to be sure of was that she was going to tell him everything about that night.<br/>
“I dare you to drink one”<br/>
“Are you that scared I might not lose tonight?”<br/>
“Drink”<br/>
“Ok, ok. Fine”<br/>
She poured herself one glass, and drank.<br/>
Benny looked at her inquisitively. He wanted to know.<br/>
Beth stayed silent, then then she spourt “If you want to make me question, you have to win”<br/>
“You know that I can beat you” he grunted<br/>
“prove it” If Beth knew anything about Benny, she knew how difficult it was for him to separate anger from arousal when his pride was on the table.</p><p>The second game started. This time he played seriously. She didn’t expect such a focus this soon, and she found herself in difficulty.<br/>
Move. Clock.<br/>
Move. Check. Clock.<br/>
Move. Take. Clock.<br/>
Move. Check. Clock.<br/>
Move. Clock.<br/>
Move. Check. Clock,<br/>
Move. Clock.<br/>
Mate</p><p>Beth glanced at Benny and gnashed her teeth seeing him sniggering.<br/>
She poured two glasses and drank them quickly. Her throat burned a little, but she was glad of the familiar warm going down in her stomach.</p><p>“Why?”<br/>
“Why did I fail against the world champion?” Tried to play down<br/>
“Why did you get drunk the night before the final?”<br/>
She wanted to scream. He could see her lower lip tremble.<br/>
“I… I was in my room, studying, when the phone rang. It was Cleo. She said that she was in the hotel’s hall and that she wanted some company. I knew I hadn’t to, but I told myself that I was able to have just one drink if I wanted. Then we started chatting, and one drink leads to another, and another, until I got drunk.”<br/>
“Beth, why the hell didn’t Cleo stop you? Did she know about the game?”<br/>
“Yes, i told her”<br/>
“And it all ended like that?”<br/>
“Kind of.” She couldn’t say more right now.<br/>
“What happened next?”<br/>
“You mean after i got drunk?”<br/>
“Yes”<br/>
“I went back to my room. With Cleo. The next day I woke up late for the game”<br/>
“What do you mean with Cleo?”<br/>
“One question for game”<br/>
“You didn’t really answered to mine”<br/>
“My turn. I dare you to stay still”<br/>
Benny sighed impatiently.<br/>
Beth stood up and walked towards him. When she was about twenty centimeters from him, she stooped, nearly making their lips touch. She blew softly on his skin, scanning his face with her eyes. He was looking at her lips like there was an itch he was unable to get rid of, like his soul was going to fall apart if he didn’t. Without getting any closer, Beth shifted his air from his forehead.<br/>
Then she departed, turning her head from him.<br/>
“Look at you, i can see your breaking point with just one glass”<br/>
He was breathing deeply, his voice low and his eyes dark. “You’re heartless”<br/>
She giggled<br/>
“Let’s play”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Check</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>IV CHAPTER<br/>Third game.</p><p>The moves became quicker and quicker as the game went on. <br/>In this one they were opposed to each other equally. Nothing special.</p><p>move. check. clock.<br/>move. clock.<br/>move. take. clock.<br/>move. check. clock.<br/>think. move. clock.<br/>move. clock.<br/>move. check. clock.<br/>move. check. clock.<br/>move. mate.<br/>This looked more like a race than a chess game. They were running as fast as they can towards the mate. Beth arrived first.</p><p>After Benny drank, she asked<br/>“What are we?”<br/>mate.<br/>that word repeated itself in his mind.<br/>“What are you talking about?”<br/>“Us. You and me. We had sex and it was really good, but i don’t know what do i have to expect from us.”<br/>“I…”<br/>“Benny, you can be honest. It’s not going to change anything”<br/>He was really fucked: if he was saying that he believed them to be a couple and she didn’t think the same, he was going to lose her. Completely. If he was saying that was just sex instead…<br/>“I didn’t want to hurt you, but it was just one-night-affair”<br/>he expected a reaction from her: a glaze, a breath, a fucking change of expression, but she was motionless.<br/>“Then why am I here?”<br/>“Because i don’t want anything bad to happen to you”<br/>“Oh, now I get it: it's revenge, isn’t it?”<br/>“No, it’s not”<br/>“You trained me for five weeks, and I won that simultaneos. You had to take revenge, so we fucked and you ended up talking about chess, just to show me how insignificant it had been. Now I've lost in Paris, and you thought that taking me here and blaming and judging me was enough for your first real loss. The one in Ohio. I should have understood it before”<br/>He was about to shout at her. Why was she doing this to him? He had been the one to help her, to keep her sober and now she was talking shit about it.<br/>“I dare you to stay still”<br/>He stood up fiercely, storming towards her and doing exactly the same thing she did before. Their noses was touching. He lifted her chin a little. Her eyes were full of lust and anger. He wanted to keep her like this for hours, but then she kissed him. He wanted to be the strong one, he wanted to show her that she was insignificant, but he wasn’t and she wasn’t.<br/>She deped their kiss and he let out a whine. She bit his lip and then she shrinked back.<br/>He had the worst expression possible. His mouth all contracted and his eyes begged for understandment.</p><p>She was doing it. She was destroying everything again, and for what? Because she was hurt. Yes, that was the main reason. She lied when she said that nothing was going to change. She said that because she thought he was going to kiss her and to say her that he loved her. She really was naive.<br/>“Let’s just play”</p><p>The fourth game was loud. They was thinking and their anger could be hear by the force they were moving the pieces with. <br/>move. clock.<br/>move. clock.<br/>move. take. clock.<br/>Benny took Beth’s queen. She was mad, so she threw the game.<br/>She moved her king on the bishop line to be eaten.<br/>Benny looked up at her, shocked.<br/>“What the fuck are you doing”<br/>“I dunno what you’re talking about”<br/>“I’m sure you do. You’re being childish”<br/>“Had said the vengeful one” She poured the clear liquid in her two glasses and swallowed loudly<br/>“What happened with Cleo?”<br/>“We had sex”<br/>He stared at her, then at the board, then at her again<br/>"you're not funny" <br/>"I'm not trying to be" <br/>“Are you serious Beth?”<br/>“Is it a problem?”<br/>“Of cours…”<br/>“Cause what we had was just a one-night-affair. You said it yourself”</p><p>She was really too much. How could she actually predict his move in real life too? <br/>“We should just stop” he said<br/>“Stop doing what? playing? drinking? Talking? We are doing a lot of things right now.”<br/>“All of them. This game is making us argue. We should just stop lying to each other.”<br/>“I’m not the one lying here. So if you want to tell me something, you should do it right now”<br/>She was too much and he was mad at her. He can’t tell her how insecure she made him feel, not after what he said, not without admitting that he lied.<br/>“Fine. I’m going”<br/>She took the bottle from the table and she went for the stairs.<br/>“Where are you going?”<br/>“Somewhere else. I have no reason to stay here.”<br/>Then the anger was gone. There was left only bitterness. She was too much. Too much to handle with without getting hurt. <br/>He bloody well knew.<br/>Benny stood up<br/>“Beth don’t.” a tear fell from his chick.<br/>“please, don’t”<br/>He tried to tighten his lips, hinting a sad smile.<br/>“It wasn’t a one-night-affair. It wasn’t it at all. I pretended it to be one, because I thought it was going to be easier. But it meant really much to me, Beth. You are the first person which I can’t live without. Nobody has ever done to me what you have. Your look makes my heart skip a beat. What we had wasn't just a bunch of pawns.”<br/>She made a step towards, then she stopped, testing the ground<br/>She let out a breath. <br/>As a loud whisper she said, running to him:<br/>“You are lucky i’m not sober”<br/>They kissed. Their lips thawing each other. Like they have been lost in the most cold void, waiting for the other. Beth was holding the back of his neck, pulling his hair. He brushed her chicks with his thumbs.<br/>They danced slowly to the bedroom, sealing their night with the slamming of the door.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thank you all for your support in this first story. I had a lot of fun writing this and I hope you all enjoyed it.<br/>Let me know in the comments.</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi everyone, I must say that this is my first fanfiction adn English is not my first lenguage. I thought Benny and Beth were a perfect couple and I really need more of them. I have already read more or less the whole pack of Beth/Benny on ao3 so I chose to try add something mine.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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